You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
