he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
