u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
