i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
