Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
