That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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