Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
