Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
