The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
