There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Randomize
