He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
