first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So apparently I’m into choking now
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
