Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
