think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
