she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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