What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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