booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
