oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
