It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
