i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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