just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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