I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
