My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize