Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
