I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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