Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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