Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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