Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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