i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
