their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
