the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
