no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
