Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
