Ketchup is God's man juice
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
