what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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