New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize