My Higher Power is John Stamos
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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