then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
