We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
