how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
