i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
