Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
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How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
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If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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