Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
