I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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