shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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