I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
