i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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