I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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