I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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