dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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