I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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