I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
