I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
