im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
