Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
