I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
