I feel great
I just peed on a car
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
