hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
